Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Meanwhile in Canada…
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean