I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say