Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate