“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
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[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.