“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
doing some research
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.