Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
not to brag, but mine was free
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp