I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
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I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.