[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
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My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.