CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
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Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.