*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.