My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
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[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes