Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
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Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Guilty! 🤪
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance: