90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
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I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Interior design 👌
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light