My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Your honor these allegations are
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
kitchen magnet
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.