[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
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First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
me when I see my crush