My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
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[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
idk what this dog had been going through but same
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
cause of death:
autopsy.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest