My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
no one ever comes back
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
the three branches of government
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Not all heroes wear capes…
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.