I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”