Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*