If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
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Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.