FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
It was worth a shot 😂
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt