Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My neck, my back, my…
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
a public service announcement
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Buck naked
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?