I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Just had my nails done!
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”