friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
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Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
hmmm
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.