if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.