Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
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Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Spotted in New Orleans.