Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
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Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
good for her
My biological clock is wheezing.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”