[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!