I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
You Might Also Like
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Pigeon open mic night.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber