I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else