Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I hope they boil the right one.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science