Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
How to make infinite energy.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Smooooooth
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
E
E
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E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.