GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
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Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Breaking news:
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
termite twitter scares me
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.