Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.