no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
my favorite genre of twitter
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.