“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.