Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN