Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.