Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
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if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time