angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
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The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?