Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If you had more money you’d be happier.