HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Comparing yourself to others
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?