Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
BaD BoY!!
[wedding day]
fianc茅: I shouldn鈥檛 have let you pick the photographer
me: but he鈥檚 my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Turns out men don鈥檛 like being asked when their due date is either
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Good for him馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I鈥檓 ready to settle down
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Satan: I鈥檓 gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I鈥檓 gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.