Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.