You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
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[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.