Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.