Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
classic mixup
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ