Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
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Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door