I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
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Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
relationship goals
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche