May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
There’s never enough good news
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
*sewing*
A thread
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
#Caturday
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.